Tuesday, August 26, 2008

In my Mind...

So, I have this idea floating around in my head, it’s an idea that I’ve really lived by for the last probably 7 years or so. The idea is that everything can be explained, that you can work through anything and that there is no reason for anyone to get hurt. I know right? Naïf. The whole problem with my little idea is that it’s solely based on logic and unfortunately, human beings are emotional.

I fear that I recently hurt somebody in my life. The last thing that I wanted to do was to hurt this person and in my mind, logically I think to myself “I can make them understand, if I can only have the chance to explain, I can make then understand”. The truth is, I have zero control over how this person has reacted or would react to me if I did have the chance to explain myself. Emotions run very deep and past hurts cannot be healed with eloquent words. In the end, the entire outcome of any situation rests upon the emotions of the people involved. If you’re a more logical thinker, you can generally think yourself through it and come to some sort of conclusion that satisfies you. If you’re an emotional thinker, you will see how you feel and base your reaction and subsequent reactions on that. I’m coming to the realization that there’s nothing I can do, there is no way that I can fix the situation and I need to learn to be okay with that. After all, we can’t control others, we can only control ourselves. My lessons from this situation will be many, but for now what I can say is this: I never wanted to hurt anyone, things just happened and I pray to God that somehow, someway, he can bless this situation and take the hurt and turn it into something beautiful. God is the only solution.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Watching God work

I believe that God is constantly at work in our lives. Yesterday at a morning church service I watched God take a random girl who had just moved to the Valley by the hand an lead her right into a new group of friends. I’m sure she had come to church that morning expecting the usual service and then expecting to leave and go home. Instead, God showed up and got her plugged in instantly with a group of young women her age in the church (I’m one of those women). I’m excited to get to know her and I know how much it will mean for her to have a group of women to hang out with. God is good, he’s in both the big and the small. I don’t doubt that there was purpose in meeting that woman yesterday, and I don’t doubt that there has been purpose throughout my time in the Valley. And to think, I thought it was a mistake to have ever come here! I guess sometimes our vision can become clouded by our present state of happiness. God never promised happiness, if we can just hang on through the hard times and keep an eternal perspective, in the end it’s all worth it. Sometimes we have to walk through fire to know just how strong we are and also to learn, so that we can then share. Imagine if everything in life were easy… There would be no art, poetry or music, you wouldn’t appreciate good because you wouldn’t know what good was (because everything would be good). It would be totally unfulfilling.

Monday, August 18, 2008

And things begin to fall into place…

In a previous post I posed the question of whether or not I should have ever left Billings. I was thinking at the time that I had somehow ended up off track when I left MT and that it was where I should go ASAP. Well, after thinking about if further and as I continue to watch God working, I’m definitely seeing God’s plan at work. Had I been in Montana, I would not have been around to watch my nephew grow. Had I been in Montana, I would have not have met many of the great friends that have strengthened and encouraged me. Had I stayed in Montana, maybe I would not have never applied for the Peace Corps. Bottom line, even though the past few years have been difficult at times, they were worth it. I’ve learned so much and continue to learn so much. For the first time ever, I belong to a church that I love, a place that I love and that has supported me. It feels like time has started to fly by. Today I looked at the calendar and it said it was August 18. The summer is almost gone and any day now I’ll receive my Peace Corps offer letter. I can’t believe it. Life is such an intricate web. I’m grateful to be right where I am and I trust that God has been with me and will continue to be with me where ever I go.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Took it all Gone

In my house growing up there was a commonly sung song called “took it all gone”. Looking back, I realize my mom is really funny. Whenever my brother or myself would finish the box of cereal, my mom would break into a rendition of the song going something like this “Laura took it all gone, Laura took it all gone” or “Jeffey took it all gone, Jeffey took it all gone”. Being 3 years younger, I loved the song, but my brother hated it and would start to yell at my mom when she started singing it. It was a battle that took place often. My mom eventually decided to compromise with my brother and only sing the song to me when I had taken the last of the cereal, but in the end it just made my brother mad that he was no longer getting a song. That was a lose lose for my mom. I suppose my brother had been hearing the song for an additional 3 years compared to me and was sick of it. I just used to bop my head to the song and enjoy. There was however a song that I didn’t like, it was how my mom would wake me up in the morning. She would lift the blinds and sing “Good morning to Warwa, Good morning to Warwa”. I have always hated being woken up, I don’t think it was the songs fault. My dad had a different style for waking me up in the morning that I hated way more than the song. He would open my door and flick the light on and off and say “wake up, wake up, wake up”. It makes me feisty just thinking about it right now. I think the moral to my story today is: Don’t wake me up, I hate it.