Maybe the things in my mind are not so wrong…

My previous blog post was a total manifestation of stress in my life in regard to a specific situation. I needed to talk to someone about a difficult situation in which I was having a really hard time seeing how I could possibly do anything but lose. I think God and prayer, however, were somehow able to miraculously tip the scales in my favor. Against the odds, the situation has turned out better than I could have ever dreamed! Everything went so well and the conversation could not have been more positive. Not only was the person understanding, but they were encouraging and supportive. I was blown away! I knew that the person I was talking to was cool, but I didn’t know they were that cool! I’m so happy with the results. If there is one thing God has shown me in the past few months, it’s that sometimes you have to be bold and take a chance. Being up front and honest has turned out positively 100% of the time and covering tough conversations with prayer has also turned out for the best 100% of the time. God is teaching me to be bolder and to trust my instincts. These have been very stressful lessons, but I’m happy to have learned!

In my Mind...

So, I have this idea floating around in my head, it’s an idea that I’ve really lived by for the last probably 7 years or so. The idea is that everything can be explained, that you can work through anything and that there is no reason for anyone to get hurt. I know right? Naïf. The whole problem with my little idea is that it’s solely based on logic and unfortunately, human beings are emotional.

I fear that I recently hurt somebody in my life. The last thing that I wanted to do was to hurt this person and in my mind, logically I think to myself “I can make them understand, if I can only have the chance to explain, I can make then understand”. The truth is, I have zero control over how this person has reacted or would react to me if I did have the chance to explain myself. Emotions run very deep and past hurts cannot be healed with eloquent words. In the end, the entire outcome of any situation rests upon the emotions of the people involved. If you’re a more logical thinker, you can generally think yourself through it and come to some sort of conclusion that satisfies you. If you’re an emotional thinker, you will see how you feel and base your reaction and subsequent reactions on that. I’m coming to the realization that there’s nothing I can do, there is no way that I can fix the situation and I need to learn to be okay with that. After all, we can’t control others, we can only control ourselves. My lessons from this situation will be many, but for now what I can say is this: I never wanted to hurt anyone, things just happened and I pray to God that somehow, someway, he can bless this situation and take the hurt and turn it into something beautiful. God is the only solution.

Watching God work

I believe that God is constantly at work in our lives. Yesterday at a morning church service I watched God take a random girl who had just moved to the Valley by the hand an lead her right into a new group of friends. I’m sure she had come to church that morning expecting the usual service and then expecting to leave and go home. Instead, God showed up and got her plugged in instantly with a group of young women her age in the church (I’m one of those women). I’m excited to get to know her and I know how much it will mean for her to have a group of women to hang out with. God is good, he’s in both the big and the small. I don’t doubt that there was purpose in meeting that woman yesterday, and I don’t doubt that there has been purpose throughout my time in the Valley. And to think, I thought it was a mistake to have ever come here! I guess sometimes our vision can become clouded by our present state of happiness. God never promised happiness, if we can just hang on through the hard times and keep an eternal perspective, in the end it’s all worth it. Sometimes we have to walk through fire to know just how strong we are and also to learn, so that we can then share. Imagine if everything in life were easy… There would be no art, poetry or music, you wouldn’t appreciate good because you wouldn’t know what good was (because everything would be good). It would be totally unfulfilling.

And things begin to fall into place…

In a previous post I posed the question of whether or not I should have ever left Billings. I was thinking at the time that I had somehow ended up off track when I left MT and that it was where I should go ASAP. Well, after thinking about if further and as I continue to watch God working, I’m definitely seeing God’s plan at work. Had I been in Montana, I would not have been around to watch my nephew grow. Had I been in Montana, I would have not have met many of the great friends that have strengthened and encouraged me. Had I stayed in Montana, maybe I would not have never applied for the Peace Corps. Bottom line, even though the past few years have been difficult at times, they were worth it. I’ve learned so much and continue to learn so much. For the first time ever, I belong to a church that I love, a place that I love and that has supported me. It feels like time has started to fly by. Today I looked at the calendar and it said it was August 18. The summer is almost gone and any day now I’ll receive my Peace Corps offer letter. I can’t believe it. Life is such an intricate web. I’m grateful to be right where I am and I trust that God has been with me and will continue to be with me where ever I go.

Cry Babies

The other day I was working at my second job, my role that particular day was as a ticket taker. What did I do you may be wondering? I took tickets, it went something like this “Hello, do you have your ticket?” they would then give me their ticket and get their food. So I was pretty stationary, not a whole lot of movement involved. At the table directly in front of me there was a family with a little girl who was probably three and a half. This little girl was pretty on it, had her parent wrapped around her little finger. As I’m watching the interaction between parents and child I see that the little girl refuses to eat anything but cookies, the parents attempted to make her eat real food, but when it looks like little girl is about to really throw down a tantrum they drop it and little girl starts running about. During this little scamper around the table said little girl trips and falls and starts to cry, the parents can only think of one way to comfort this little girl and that’s with a cookie. Talk about positive reinforcement for a negative action! This little girl took one look at the cookie and all the tears were gone. Now I’m no super nanny, but I’m pretty sure that they handled that really badly. I think the true problem lies in the fact that the parents probably don’t usually take care of the child, she probably has a nanny and this was said nanny’s vacation. Anyway, any of you out there with kids, don’t reward crying with cookies, you will turn you kid into a cry baby and nobody likes a cry baby. Instead from the start when your kid falls, clap and say “oh, wow! What a big boy/girl” then they learn that it’s okay to fall down and they don’t cry for cookies. Just a thought.

This is a thought that I was thinking...

This is a thought that I've been thinking... When I left Montana, I didn't really want to go. I loved it there and was happy there. I don't have anything bad to say about Montana at all. I love it there and I think about going back often. So here was the thought...With some back story because that's the only way it can be told.


While I was in MT I was volunteering for Younglife a christian youth organization. I loved doing it and had a really great time. The summer after I graduated I went to volunteer on summer staff at a YL camp in Canada called Malibu. To this point I feel like I was on track, like I was following my passion and listening to my heart. However, I felt the need to move back to Colorado during this time period because I felt that I would not be able to start my career in Montana due to a pretty bad economy. I didn't even really try, I just assumed that I wouldn't be able to find a good job there. Also, I was missing being around my family and wanted to be near them again so I moved back to Colorado. After a brief stint working for the county (only 3 weeks) I applied to work at another YL camp in Buena Vista called Trail West. My experience at this camp was not at all like Malibu, there wasn't a lot of spiritual growth and it seemed like work came first, spiritual growth second, where normally in YL camps it's the other way around. So while I was working there I started dating another intern. From the beginning I knew that it wouldn't work out, I knew without a doubt in my mind that it wouldn't last and yet I allowed that relationship to take me to Avon. We lasted less than a month after arriving in Avon, the added stress of having moved to a new town together was way too much for an already weak relationship to bear, so we called it quits.


Well, in retracing my steps and looking at my path, it seems like I got off the trail somewhere along the way. I think I may have taken a bad right turn, thinking that I was doing the right thing, but in reality was just allowing myself to deny what I really wanted.

So I guess the question is: Had I staying in MT would I have ended up in the Peace Corps? (I do think the answer to this one is yes, but who really knows aside from God)? And, for the next six months as I wait for the Peace Corps, should I go back to MT, since potentially that is where I should have been all along? I know the whole everything happens for a reason bit, and I do think God has done great things for me here and I have learned a ton about life, but I don't know that I believe I was ever meant to be here.

These are my thoughts, I'm going on vacation on Wednesday to Alaska where I'll get to see my best friend and chill it out. Maybe the trip will provide me with some clarity. If you have any comments please post them, I'd love to hear what you all think about the concept of finding ones self in the weeds...